The Transcript Of Stephen Colbert's Election Night Speech
"Now, I think we can agree that this has been an absolutely exhausting, bruising election for everyone and it has come to an ending that I did not imagine. We now all feel the way that Rudy Giuliani looks. Seeing this election, everyone's going to be saying has America lost its mind? And the answer is evidently 'back off buddy, we got 300 million guns and we're kind of stressed right now.'
By every metric, we are more divided than ever as a nation.... More than four in 10 voters say the other party's policies are so misguided they post a threat to the nation, but you know what? Everybody feels that way. And not only that, more than half of Democrats say the Republican party makes them afraid, while 49 percent of Republicans say the same about the Democratic party. So both sides are terrified of the other side, and I think that's why the voting booth has a curtain so you have some place to hide after the election is over."
"So how did our politics get so poisonous? I think it's because we overdosed, especially this year. We drank too much of the poison. You take a little bit of it so you can hate the other side and it tastes kind of good and you like how it feels and there's a gentle high to the condemnation. And you know you're right, right? You know you're right."
"When I was a kid, we didn't think about politics this much. A lot, but not this much. I grew up in Watergate. My first president was Nixon. I'd come home from school, couldn't watch The Beverly Hillbillies because there was Senator Sam Ervin with the big eyebrows talking about crimes committed in the White House. That was a great, dividing moment in American politics. That's the 'err' moment where we all stopped trusting each other, because Vietnam was wrapped up in that too. People were dying for political expediency... a cause they believed in. But as a kid, even with all that, we didn't talk about politics this much. We stuck with safe subjects.
Back then, you'd talk about religion at the dinner table or trying to guess which family member was gay, back when it mattered. Politics used to be something we thought about every four years, maybe every two years if you didn't have a lot of social life. You cared about the midterm elections. And that's good that we didn't think about it that much because it left room in our lives for other things and other people. I'm from a big family. Jimmy, Eddie, Mary, Billy, Margot, Jay, Peter, Paul, and Steven."
"My mother was born two days before women could vote the first time in a presidential election. Again, we don't know what's going to happen, but I was thinking this was going to be the time that she got what she wanted. She told me at age 92, shortly before she died, 'oh I think I would vote for Hillary, this time, it's time.' She only voted for one Democrat in her entire life and that was Kennedy because spoiler alert: we're Catholic."
"Politics is a lot of horse race, and horse race is gambling, and gambling is, according to the Bible, a sin. Because it itself is a poison. Worrying about winning and not what the consequences of winning is. And I think the people who designed our democracy didn't want us in it all the time. Informed, yes. Politicking all the time, I don't think so. Not divided that way. They designed an election that was meant to confuse us and bore us a little bit. That's why the electoral college exists. And CPSAN. And why the State of the Union begins with 20 minutes of shaking hands with grandpas.
But now politics is everywhere and that takes up precious brain space we could be using to remember all the things we actually have in common, so whether your side won or lost, we don't have to do this sh*t for a while."
"So keep your American flag up, but you can take off your American flag hat. You can put away your 'I Voted' stickers, and you can get back to your life. And I'd like to try to end this election season right now by voting unanimously on a few things that all bring us together.
